Your voice is swallowing my soul soul soul soul.
When I’m alone all day, I feel like this.
The following paragraph is the result of a mild panic attack, the likes of which I haven’t experienced in a while:
I’m not pretty enough and I’m fat and the less I eat the more I worry about being fat because my body isn’t receiving proper nutrients. I see photos of stick thin women with less than appealing faces yet they are considered beautiful because they are stick thin. I’m probably not even fat, but I feel so fat. Fat Fat Fat. I want to get out of here, someone just get me out of here. My job is unrewarding, and I can’t get a better one because I don’t have the fucking time to find a better one. I can’t quit smoking. I tried and I can’t do it. I feel like I’ve failed at everything I have tried. I feel like a bad person. I feel selfish, and lazy. I feel ridiculously ashamed. I feel stuck. I feel trapped. I feel like no one wants me around. I feel scared because traditional OCD is starting to hit me. I’m always organizing things that need not be organized – and I never was like that. I panic because my hair isn’t straight enough when I leave the house – I always was like that. I’m starting to hate my personality. I feel mean and boring. I’m angry at myself because I don’t take the time to take photos anymore. It drives me crazy when people ask me “why aren’t you doing anything with photography?” – “I’m not doing anything with photography because I don’t have the money for better equipment just yet, but I will” so please for the love of god stop asking me that! Also, I’d prefer modeling, as I’ve said 6034532567 times. But I assume I’m not good enough for that, because my face grows fatter. And everything is going to fall apart again.
Brittany,
I wasn’t sure if you were anorexic or not, but based on this bit, I can assume you are? I’m recovering right now, and I can say that I understand. Now, I know you may not believe anything I say, but I hope you will – you are beautiful. If you weren’t you would not have so many of your friends asking you to participate in photography related projects! You’re stunning and may have a fabulous modeling career ahead of you. And, no, you are not fat. If you want to see fat, go to peopleofwalmart.com and see some fat people. Or watch Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss and see some chunky girls. You should really start seeing someone. I saw a psychiatrist and had to check into an ED clinic. They are hell on earth, but they can do a lot of good. If you’re going to pro-ED sites, stop. And seriously stop smoking. If you have friends that are encouraging negative behaviors such as smoking or continuing your ED, drop them. It’s depressing for a sec, but then extremely liberating, because you learn that you are better than them and a much better person. I have been where you have been, I’ve starved myself, I’ve purged, I’ve cut, I’ve contemplated suicide. None if it is good for you, and there is help. I’m here if you need me.
I know how you feel, it’s been happening to me for the last year. Sometimes everything that bothers you just hits you at once. You just have to stay confident in yourself. Cliche advise, but true. Listening to The National also helps. xD