The Truth. (Fast blood)
Experts say you should keep a journal when you have manic depression. They also note that it should be kept private. Until I read that, I thought the website I was reading was highly beneficial and helpful. NO, I do not believe that a journal chronicling depression should be kept private. I firmly stand behind the fact that if I didn’t show my blog to anybody, my thoughts would implode upon myself and… I’d hate to have to write this because I come off as being extremely self important, but I want people to know that women like me can become very unhappy. I say this only because the majority of people I meet are somewhat surprised that somebody that “looks like you” is so very sad. FYI, I am so very sad because I look like me, I think. I have to keep looking like me and the fear that I will someday not look like me is too much for me to handle.
I appreciate every single compliment that I get. I am not going to sit here and deny that I need compliments more than I need protein. If I receive a genuine compliment regarding my appearance… it keeps me going for the rest of the day. It’s like fuel. It’s undeniably pathetic, and a little terrifying… but so very true. My whole purpose in life is to be beautiful. I don’t have much left if I’m not beautiful.
I’m home until Sunday, and on Sunday I move in with Jennifer Hunt from Gander(Rad chick, dig her, always thought she was cool). But yesterday, I went outside for a cigarette and then I said I wanted to spray myself with perfume so I didn’t smell like Johnny Depp’s basement. My step dad told me that if I didn’t want to smell like cigarettes then I shouldn’t smoke. [sarcasm]I honestly felt like I was going to pass out from the epiphany I was experiencing.[/sarcasm] I didn’t understand why he said this for two reasons. 1) He smoked for like 20 years up until 2 years ago, and 2) He knows I feel like shit lately(you’re blind if you don’t). Why did he have to say that? Why did he have to make a snide comment for absolutely no reason? You think I don’t realize that smoking is unhealthy and stupid? Nah, I am a firm believer that smoking is the cure for most types of cancer. C’mon.
The dining room window from home that I'm obsessed with, and I.
Anyway, the reason that I mentioned that was because sometimes when I’m home I feel very alone. I don’t think any person in my life that has a “parent” label – (my mom, dad, step dad) truly understands me. Loves me? Yes. And I love them. But they will never know what I feel. That’s okay, though.
Random thing I found funny – I think Coco is the reincarnation of Joan Crawford. While I was away, she became an almost 24/7 outdoors cat. I just looked at her and asked(as if she were a person, I know) if she wanted to come inside. She looked at me and glared like I was a useless bitch and stormed off into the woods to torture birds. I think it’s hilarious because she looks like this fluffy, little, prude princess… but is actually totally hardcore and bad to the bone. She could give all of the unloved, homeless cats in St John’s a run for their money. The main reason being, she has 8 million layers of fluffy, multi-colored fur to shield her. But she’s also really fat, so I don’t know.
To conclude this entry, I plan on being a very social person when I move back to the city. Getting to know my new roommates well and their friends, as well as sticking with my oldest friends, and reconnecting with friends I made this summer and haven’t seen in a while. This is the only thing I can think of that will help with my sadness. That’s not to say I’m not extremely tempted to give up, because I am. But I’m so young. I have to keep telling myself that I’m so young.
I just want to be happy.
Song I am currently obsessing over = Fast Blood ~ Frightened Rabbit
